I Love My Children

Isn't that just the most inadequate statement ever? How can we use the same structure, the same words, to say "I love my new red car" or "I love mint chocolate chip ice cream", and apply it to the huge, intense, immeasurable feelings we have for our kids?

I adore them. They drive me crazy. I know them inside and out, and yet they constantly surprise and amaze me. They know me better than I know myself: know how to push my buttons; know how best to love me back.

And contrary to the usual fairy tale, I didn't fall immediately in love with my children when I popped them out. Man, newborn babies are weird-looking - all squished and screaming and NEW. Whoever says all babies are beautiful, well, are either lying, or my standard for beauty is completely skewed. The first night of taking care of my first-born daughter in the hospital, I was up all night, and not just because she was screaming and wouldn't let me sleep. I was terrified: that I had no idea what I was doing or what I was getting into; that I didn't know her much less love her; and mostly I was terrified that I never would love her.

But of course, slowly, eventually, I did love her. Fell in love with her. I got to know her, she got to know me, we figured each other out together. And with the figuring each other out, loving her became as automatic as breathing, and yet, more unbelievable.

When expecting my second-born, I couldn't comprehend how I could love a second child as completely as I had grown to love my first. How any human could be capable of even more love than I already had? When I already had more than I ever thought was possible for myself. And yet, you do. You have the reserves. For how many children, I don't know. But for me, for at least two.

Having learned how to love, whole-y, completely, I looked at my husband of 11 years, and realized - not even close. What I thought was love for my decent, hardworking, reliable husband, paled so much in comparison to the love for my children...that I couldn't even honestly say that I loved him. That I had ever loved him. That I even knew what love was when I had said I loved him.

I Love My Children. I have fallen in love with men since my husband, in ways that I really can compare to how I love my children. And thus, My Children have taught me How To Love.